Today’s Bread ~ Not Pregnant

Psalm 103 – Praise the LORD, I tell myself, and never forget the good things He does for me.

My husband is very satisfied with two children.  Mike grew up in the stereotypical American family of four – dad, mom, boy, girl, cat.  The only thing missing was the dog.   

Meals out were simple – everyone fit nicely into a booth.  Trips to the amusement part were easy – one parent to each kid; no one rode the roller coaster alone.  Family vacations were equally uncomplicated – two people to each bed in the hotel room.  No one slept on the uncomfortable, roll-out cot.

I, on the other hand, grew up with two sisters.  We had the van, and we fought over who got to sit in the back.  Someone always rode alone on the roller coaster, and we stuck a chair at the end of the booth to accommodate our family of five.  On vacations, someone slept on the cot.  Not only did I live through the experience, but I look back on those memories with fondness and longing.  It was a youth filled with crazy commotion, and I loved it.

For me, a family of four was incomplete.  For Mike, a family of five was not only foreign, but overwhelming.  “Right now we’ve got a good ‘man-on-man’ thing going,” he’d say.  “I don’t want to change to a zone defense.  Plus, kids are expensive.  We’re finally done with baby food.  The kids are out of diapers.  You want to start all over?”

In January of this year we went from two incomes to one.  In May, I stood in front of Mike, nervously breaking the news:  “Honey,” I said timidly, “I’m not 100% sure, but I think I’m pregnant.”  His eyes widened as his jaw dropped.

I went on to explain that I had every symptom in the book.  I was tired and achy.  I had a heightened sense of smell accompanied by mild nausea.  I had the same food aversions I had with my first pregnancy, but at the same time I was ravenous.  There could only be one explanation:  I was pregnant.

It was too early to take a test, so we decided to simply sit on the notion for a few weeks and proceed with business as usual.  But in my mind, it was a done deal.  I was pregnant, and I started mentally preparing myself for a family of five.

I walked around our house, pondering where we would put a swing, a pack-and-play, and a baby gate.  I looked at the spare bedroom, mulling over nursery colors and themes.  I thought about names.  I imagined telling our two children the news, and taking them with us to see the baby’s heartbeat.  I laughed out loud, envisioning our friend’s reactions, after I’d insisted multiple times they could “stick a fork in me” when it came to more kids, because “we were done.”

Finally I could stand it no more.  Even though it was early, I went online and researched the best pregnancy test that promised the earliest results.  I picked it up at the store and brought it home.  Following the instructions carefully, I took it first thing the next morning.  Heart pounding, I waited the required two minutes, and looked. 

One line.

I sat there in disbelief.  I had been so sure.  I’d felt every symptom.  I’d even had pregnancy related dreams.  Ok, I rationalized; I knew it was too early.  I’ll wait another week and take another one.

Same time, same place, one week later:  One line.

I was crushed.  I sobbed like my heart was breaking as I told my husband the news.  He held me and comforted me, never once showing any sign of relief.  “Bec,” he said quietly, “let’s pray about this.  Let’s really ask God to show us His will, and if He tells us we’re supposed to have a third, we will.”

Two days later I was still grieving.  God, I prayed, if Your will is for us to have another child, please put it on Mike’s heart.  But if Your plan for us really is a family of four, give me peace over it.  I’m heartbroken, but I don’t want to pursue a dream that is not of You.

Isaiah 12:3-4 – With joy you will drink deeply from the fountain of salvation!  In that wonderful day you will sing: “Thank the LORD!  Tell the world what He has done.  Oh, how mighty He is!

Almost immediately, a sense of peace fell over me.  I felt the Holy Spirit whisper to my soul:

Do not dwell on what you don’t have.  My plan for your life is perfect.  My ways are right.  Focus on what I’ve given you.  Rejoice in what you have. 

In his letter to the church in Philippi, Paul writes, “Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right.  Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable.  Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise (Philippians 4:8).”

How many of us go through life discouraged, frustrated, and unsatisfied because we think only about what we lack?  We don’t enjoy our job because it’s not our “dream job.”  We don’t appreciate our paycheck because it’s not big enough.  We aren’t grateful for our home because it’s too small.  We don’t thank God for our cars because they don’t have the desired emblem on the front.  We don’t relish our life because it’s not the one we think we’re entitled to. 

What a sad, small way to live.

In that moment, God opened my eyes to all He’d given me: Life.  Breath.  Salvation.  Forgiveness.  A husband who loves me.  Two healthy children.  An extended family that freely gives me their love and support.  Deliverance from both alcoholism and bulimia.  Godly friends.  A thriving church.  A ministry of my own.  A home, when millions of people live in tents.  Air conditioning.  Plenty of food, when millions starve every day.  Clean, running water.  Clothes.  The list goes on and on.

Was I going to dwell on the one thing I thought I lacked?  Or rejoice in all that I had?

Philippians 4:4 – Rejoice in the Lord always.  Again I say rejoice!

We have power over our thoughts.  We can choose to think about or not think about something, and we miss out on so much joy when we choose to think about what we don’t have.  We will never have peace; never enjoy contentment, unless we can train ourselves to live in the spirit of thankfulness.  Thank God for what He has given you.  Trust that His will for your life is better than yours.  Believe that His plan is perfect, and that in Him you will find fullness of joy and life in abundance.  If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand.  His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Jesus Christ (Philippians 4:7).

Dear Heavenly Father, thank You so much for Your Word, which guides us in all things true.  We thank You for Your patience with us.  You have given us so much.  All we have to do is look around the world to remember how blessed we are to live in America.  Please forgive us when we are ungrateful.  Please forgive us when get distracted by what we don’t have.  Please help us to live in a spirit of thankfulness.  God, convict us when we chase our will over Yours.  Help us to remember that everything we have is a gift from You, and that we are not entitled to anything.  God, we ask You to transform our hearts and our minds, so that living with an attitude of gratitude comes naturally, and is not something we have to constantly strive toward.  Change us from the inside out so that we can be truly content; truly satisfied in You; truly at peace.  We love You so much, God.  We thank You for sending us Your Son, who stepped down from glory to live in humility.  It is in the beautiful, blessed name of Jesus that we pray.  Amen.