Today’s Daily Bread ~ My Thorn

2 Corinthians 12:7b-9 – But to keep me from getting puffed up, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from getting proud.  Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away.  Each time He said, “My gracious favor is all you need.  My power works best in your weakness.”  So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me.

Mike and I got our dog, Jim, shortly after we got married.  We attempted, for about a year, to train him on our own.  When that proved to be an epic fail, we hired a dog trainer.

She came to our house, showed us what to do, and gave us things to work on.  The most important thing she taught us was this:: show the dog who’s boss.  There is room for only one alpha dog in the house, and Jim wasn’t it.

She taught us how to take him for a walk, and suggested we use a retractable leash.  In the beginning, you don’t give the dog any slack.  He walks on our left side, and when we want him to stop, we give it a tug.  When we want him to go, we give him another one.  Then, as the dog matures, you can let out the slack a little bit.

I’m recognizing that technique right now on my walk with Christ, only reversed.

I’ve always believed in Jesus, and that He died for our sins.  I was 25 when I learned that He was looking for a personal relationship with me.  Up to that point, I’d had this notion that He was in heaven looking down in judgment on me.  I knew He loved me, and I believed He heard my prayers.  I just didn’t realize how much more there was.

I asked Christ into my heart, and to clean it up a bit while He was there.  But it was still pretty easy to sin.  A good girlfriend and I would usually go out Saturday night, meet at Starbucks before we headed to the eleven o’clock church service, and then head out to the Blue Goose in Dallas after the service.  Oftentimes we wouldn’t get home until that night.  I’d feel a little guilt, ask forgiveness, and go about my business.  All the while I was living in a pit of alcohol abuse, a distorted body-image, and anxiety that could be downright crippling at times.

The years passed, and not much changed.  Then I met my husband, we had kids, and life slowed down significantly.  Somewhere during those years I went on anti-depressants and met with a therapist.  The food and alcohol issues became less, but the anxiety has remained a constant.

Recently, my friend Anne and I had a conversation about it.

“Anxiety is your thorn,” she told me.  “Listen, I want to read you something.”  She went on to quote a passage from a bible study she’s currently doing.  “God hasn’t taken it away – it’s how He gets your attention.”

Anne affirmed something that has occurred to me more than once.  Could anxiety be my thorn?  More so than that, could it be a gift?  

In verse 10 of this passage of 2 Corinthians, Paul goes on to say, “Since I know it is all for Christ’s good, I am quite content with my weaknesses and with insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

This is a revolutionary, but not unheard of, way of thinking.  I heard a mother of a Down syndrome child once say that her son blessed her in more ways than she could count.  I know another mother, with an autistic daughter.  She, too, says that she has grown closer to God through her child’s circumstances.  The truth of the matter is this: when we go through life never needing to rely on the grace of God, we miss the joy of His Presence.  I look at my situation, my lingering anxiety that medicine doesn’t seem to subdue, and wonder this, “Am I the lucky one?”

I love a good analogy, and God often speaks to me through both analogies and pictures.  This is the one He’s given me:  When I turned my life over to Christ, I handed Him my leash.  As I choose His way over mine, He tightens up the slack a bit.  As I draw nearer to Him through prayer, His Word, and the writing He’s assigned me to, He takes it in a bit more.  Anytime I strain to go my own way, or walk in disobedience, I feel anxiety.  It’s like He’s physically pulling my heart back to Him, and my heart can’t have peace until I obey.

Could I be the lucky one?  I’ve asked God to remove this thorn from my side countless times over the years.  I’ve tried Lexapro, Welbutrin, Prozac and Cymbalta, as well as many combinations of those and others.  I’ve tried Ambien and Trazadone to sleep, and massive amounts of energy drinks to wake-up.  And this truth remains: I cannot have peace outside of the will of God, but I cannot be anxious in His Presence.

My anxiety is not an affliction.  It’s God’s gift to me.  I’ve asked Him to remove it, and the Holy Spirit guides me back to these words:  “My gracious favor is all you need.  My power works best in your weakness.” 

Thank You for that, God.  May You never take it away.  Let me boast only in You.  Weaken me more, so that more may see Your strength working through me.  Pull that leash in until I’m walking in perfect unison with You, and yank it back with all Your might when I attempt to go my own way.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for this radical way of thinking.  You are teaching us to see things from a heavenly perspective, rather than an earthly one.  God, in Your gracious favor You’ve given each of strengths with which to serve You, and weaknesses to bring us back to You.  Let us view our weaknesses like You do – opportunities to let You strengthen us, work through us and shine in us.  Make Your ways clear to us, God.  If we are struggling with something that You’ve given us as a thorn to remind us that we need You, than make it known to us – don’t leave us wondering!  God, we offer up to You our strengths and our weaknesses, and we ask You to use them all to Your glory.  Touch our hearts to better love and our hands to better serve.  We love You so much God, with everything we have.  We ask these things in the precious name of Jesus Christ our Lord.  Amen.